When the Snow Falls
by Starsearcher
Summary: When the snow falls, Hoshi remembers...


Title: When the Snow Falls  
Author: Starsearcher  
E-Mail: Starsearcher519@hotmail.com  
Rating: PG  
Category: Romance/angst/deathfic  
Codes: Tu/S, R, A, T, M  
Summary: When the snow falls, Hoshi remembers.  
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all. I own nothing, not even the clothes on my back. Don't sue me! (unless you want my lint collection, which is rather extensive by the way, and quite the find really..I'd be willing to trade for, oh say, 10 bars of gold? No? All right, I'll be generous, 5? But really..I digress..on with the fanfic!)

***** 

__

Remember my laughter when the sun shines,

Remember my tears when the skies cry,

Remember my hopes when the wind blows,

And remember my love when the snow falls

I never thought that I would be the first to leave.

Strange really. Almost selfish. After all, what made me more special than any of them? Nothing, I guess. But the truth still remains that I never thought I'd be the one to say goodbye, the one who would never get to see them again. I was the youngest, after all. It was arrogance, I suppose, arrogance about my own mortality. I never thought I would be the one who would be mourned. 

The lights outside the house were twinkling in the night sky, illuminating the trees and streets with their glow. Inside, the fire was still burning brightly in the hearth, and hot steamy mugs of cocoa warmed each of our hands.

I lay in bed, my body warm and comfortable. The pain had ceased long ago, replaced by a sense of calm, a sense of peace. Outside, I saw the snow begin to fall, the white crystals dancing gently down from the skies.

I looked around me. They were all looking at me with smiles on their faces, talking to one another, talking to me. They laughed, they joked, they nibbled on the cookies I had made that morning, their faces slightly flushed from the earlier snow fight outside. But I could see the fear in each of their eyes, the sorrow that they were trying so hard to hold back. 

I saw the fear in his blue eyes, his face carefully controlled. But it was useless.he could never really hide his emotions from anyone, least of all me. But somehow, with the countless years gracing his face, the bare honesty and the raw emotions he had always had seemed more intense than ever, despite his silence. I could see the hurt so clearly. I wanted to say something to him, to all of them, but I found my throat dry, my voice gone. 

I cast my gaze away from those faces, looking out the window again. The white clouds of snow were falling a bit thicker now, the wind sweeping them through the trees, the fading sunlight casting shadows across the newly down-covered ground. It reminded me of another time, another day in the snow, another moment where I saw those shadows moving in the fields of white.

"Hoshi! It's time to come inside! You're going to freeze."

"Ten more minutes! Please?"

"All right.._but that's it! Dinner will be ready soon."_

"Yes, mama."

The little raven-haired girl laughed with glee as she ducked another snowball, her own gloved hands holding a giant clump of snow. She ran behind the closest tree, looking around her carefully, her face alight with humor. Grinning, she spotted her target, his sandy hair sticking up at all angles as he walked around in front of her, searching for her.

She grinned even more, barely containing her giggles, and then promptly ran towards the tall boy, letting out a shriek of delight as she threw the snowball with all her might at his unprotected back.

He jumped a foot into the air, spinning around in shock, eyes twinkling with amusement. The look he gave her was one of pure mischief.

"Oh you're gonna get it now!" he yelled at her, laughing as he dove at her stomach. She shrieked even more, bursting into giggles as he pulled her down to the frost-covered ground, tickling her furiously.

"Ahhhhhh!!! Stop!!!"

"Give up?"

"Ok ok! You win!" she yelled out, laughing some more and squirming out of his grasp.. 

"All right. We should get back soon.._your mom's gonna kill me if we don't." He let her go, pulling her to her feet again and turned to head back to the house._

"Wait a sec," she said to him, standing on tiptoe. 

"What is it?"

She grinned mischievously, making him come in closer. He tilted his head down, a questioning look in his eyes.

"What?" he asked again, grinning. His cheeks were starting to turn a slight shade of red at how close they were standing..

With a triumphant yell, she brought the lump of snow she had been hiding behind her back on his uncovered head, laughing with glee as the wet snow dripped down his face.

"Oh no you did not!" he yelled out, growling at her. With another laugh, she reached up and petted his now wet hair, grinning from ear to ear, and then promptly turned and ran towards the house.

It still makes me laugh, even now. I chuckled softly to myself, pulling the blankets around myself. The others looked at me then, their conversations stopping at my laugher.

"What's so funny, darlin'?" he asked me, raising an eyebrow at my amusement.

"Just thinking," I replied, catching his eye before turning back to my window. Around me, I felt the air settle back into the buzz of conversation and activity. I ran a finger against the window, watching as the heat from my hand spread along the cool glass. 

Outside, the snow continued to fall, slowly covering up the imprints in the ground where Kari and Matt had been playing earlier. The two snow angels were still partially visible, the large messy wings on Matt's looking odd against the tiny ones Kari had made. 

"Lieutenant Sato, I'm.._I'm sorry."_

The young woman paled, the clean white gown on her body seeming even more ghostly against her skin. Hot tears were spilling down her cheeks.

"I.._I lost_.._I lost her?"_

A warm hand held her own, and she looked up to see the same tears in the eyes of her husband. He moved his other hand to steady her, his palm making gentle, soothing circles on her back. She felt his hand tremble though, and another part of her heart broke. 

"There's.._there's no mistake?" she whispered._

He shook his head, his own eyes filled with sympathy..

"I'm afraid not. The two shots you took to the left side missed the major organs, but it did unfortunately puncture the womb. I'm sorry."

The hot tears fell harder from her eyes, and she clung harder to his hand. She knew that his heart was breaking with hers. The loss was devastating. She felt herself falling before she realized what was happening, and then his strong hands were supporting her, his lips against her cheek as he held her to him. They rocked back and forth on the cold bed, wrapped in their grief.

"It'll be all right.._shhh_.._Hoshi_.._it'll be all right_.._I promise_.._"_

Looking at his face now, I still cannot believe how lucky I had been. How wonderfully, beautifully blessed. His hair was still as thick as it had been so long ago, though the light brown was now woven with gray. It did not make him look old, though, despite what he would sometimes joke about. It made him look..stronger. Wiser. More distinguished. And he was.

__

Admiral. It was such a perfect sound in my mind. _Admiral Charles Tucker III_. He deserved it, deserved everything wonderful in the world.

They all did.

I looked around me again, this time fixing my gaze on the man at the foot of my bed, his eyes alight with humor as he watched his grandson play with Kari. Matt was trying in vain to teach Kari how to fold a paper airplane, while she proceeded to giggle uncontrollably at the faces he was making. Elizabeth, my daughter, was smiling at Kari, who was now making faces back at Matt. Travis laughed at his grandson's exasperated expression, looking up and catching my eye.

__

He's changed more than anyone, I thought. The lines on his dark face were a web of memories: some of joy, some of sorrow. His rich chocolate eyes still held that rather charming twinkle, as if he was perpetually amused by something. However, there was a more mature look there too. He had grown up. 

In many ways, we all had. Whether it was forced upon us, or whether we embraced the change, the truth was we had all drifted along our own paths, and we had changed. 

Jon was talking quietly with T'Pol, and he too looked up when he felt my gaze upon him, and he smiled at me. He looked the oldest of us all, but he was still just as charming as he had been so long ago. Even now, with the heavy rank of admiral and the responsibility of Starfleet upon his shoulders, he still looked every bit as energized and strong as he had the day he had the day he first stepped onto the bridge of Enterprise. Of course, his vigor was nothing compared to the woman next to him, who was perhaps the only one among us who looked no different. But the years had affected T'Pol as well, if not physically, then mentally. She too had grown, perhaps even more than she would like to admit. Her marriage to Jon was something no one had expected, though really, I should have known. All those earlier conflicts on Enterprise had to account for something, after all.

And then there was Malcolm, who was sitting with his back to me, his arms around his wife, Sara, who was chatting animatedly with Phlox and his wife Feezal. I could see her shoulders shake as she laughed, and the smiles on Phlox and Feezal's faces were beautiful. I had been the maid of honor at Malcolm's wedding, something that had surprised me to no end. But then again, our relationship had always been rather full of surprises.

Finally, I looked back to the man who was now holding my hand, his fingers laced with mine as he gazed out the window. A faint smile was upon his lips, and for a moment, I wondered if he were thinking of that same day in the snow, that same moment of childhood joy. 

He felt my gaze almost immediately, and when he turned to me, I could see the fresh trail left by unbidden tears. I pulled him to me and kissed his cheek, my lips tasting the salt of his tears. When we pulled apart, everyone had quieted, and they were all looking at me, their faces solemn.

I knew I had to say something, that I should say something. After all, they had all traveled from across the expanse of space to see me here, to celebrate the holidays with me. But as I opened my mouth to speak, I found myself at a loss for the words.

Strange, it was perhaps the first time in my life that I had to search for words, that I did not know what to say at all. They waited for me out of respect, their eyes still locked on my own.

Finally, I spoke, my voice sounding even weaker than I had imagined.

"Never in my life," I said softly, looking at each of them. "have I been more proud of something than to able call you all my friends. There are so many things I could say to each of you, so many stories we could laugh about, or cry over, but right now, the only thing that I can say is..I love you all." 

I smiled at each of them, my lips beginning to tremble ever so slightly as I felt tears come to my eyes. But I stopped myself from crying, because I did not want them to see me like that. I shook away the grief I was already feeling, and spoke once more.

"I know that when..when I leave..there will be grief. But I don't want to see you cry for me..I don't want to know that my passing will have left you in pain.."

I paused again, looking out at the window once more. I could feel an ache in my heart as I watched the snow continue to fall. When I finally found the words again, my voice was shaking, and I felt his grasp on my hand tighten ever so gently, as if he too felt the trembling of my heart.

"There's a poem," I started, looking straight at him even as I spoke to them all. "The translation is not as beautiful as the actual verse, but it is something that I want you to always remember. _Nathaiyen ai estei, nathaiyen en eli wu, nathaiyen winai stel im, e nathaiyen anai ai lile pena._"

I watched as they all absorbed the alien words, though T'Pol was looking at me with understanding. I gave her a small nod of acknowledgment before translating.

"It means 'remember my laughter when the sun shines, remember my tears when the skies cry, remember my hopes when the wind blows, and remember my love when the snow falls.' I don't want to have any of you think of me and cry..I want you to think of me and laugh, laugh for all of the good times we had, for all of the memories."

I laughed myself then, and I saw some of them smile with me, while others still looked on in quiet acceptance. Finally, I gave them all a silly grin and said, "Well, what are you all still doing here listening to me for? Go on, go on. I'm starving..Beth, honey, is dinner ready?"

My daughter smiled at me and nodded. 

"All right then!" I said, gesturing to the door. "Get on into the dining room, all of you."

The shuffling of clothes and feet sounded in my ears as everyone moved towards the dining room. I moved to stand as well, but I felt him stop me for a moment, holding me close against him. I looked into his eyes again, and I saw understanding there, though the grief he was feeling was still ever present. He seemed to have pushed it back though, his jaw muscles trembling as he fought away his own tears. I saw him sigh, and then he gently brushed aside a loose strand of my hair. His fingers lingered on my face, and he then kissed my forehead softly.

"_Nin le anai,_" he whispered quietly to me, and I smiled. 

"I love you too," I whispered back, and with his arm as my support, I made my way towards the other room.

Outside, the snow was still falling, every passing moment bringing forth a fresh wave of white. It was an endless waltz of crystal and ice, of memories and time, of the life I had lived. It was bittersweet, as I gazed out the window one last time, the lingering shadows following my steps into the room. Outside, it had become cold and dark, completely different from the warmth I felt now, as I watched my family and my dear friends busy themselves with the Christmas feast. The glow of the lamps in the room contrasted sharply against the gathering dark of the world outside, and the light was soothing, soft, and warm.

Smiling, I turned my back to the snow, to the darkened window, and stepped into the light. 

*****


End file.
